The White Albun

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Jock Cheese: Platter

Shock Records – BRIE 001..

Beat Magazine, Wednesday January 22nd 2003:

Press release (online here):

Australian Rock Star Jock Cheese, bass-guitarist with legendary band TISM has shocked both his fellow band members and the Australian music buying public by admitting that he has released a solo album but denied he was a splitter and said it was for research reasons. He wanted to see if anyone would buy it.
The bass-guitarist took the unusual step of issuing a public statement of apology for releasing the album after a report in the street press said Cheese’s name was on a list of seven thousand names of bass-guitarists and drummers who had released solo albums after being told by the band’s management that no, they couldn’t have more than one of their songs on the album.

After years of speculation about the identity of the musicians responsible for recording TISMs many albums Cheese emerged from his home to announce that he had indeed released a solo album but had done so because he was researching how best to lead a campaign against solo albums.

Standing on the doorstep of the Spanish villa previously occupied by “a close relative” the bass-guitarist said “I think most solo albums are appalling (but mine is quite good). I want to clear my name. To fight against solo albums you have to know about the torturous existence that being part of the rhythm section entails. I have been involved in a campaign to stop solo albums but it fizzled out. Honest.”

“I think I may have been sexually abused as a child… yes, that’s it… how else could you explain wearing a hood for all these years… and I got involved in fiddling about with the portastudio and the next thing you know…”

In a fuller statement later, he said “On one occasion I used a credit card
to enter a site advertising CDs I did this purely to see what was there. Oh, ok – I bought a solo album. It was by Alan White the drummer from Yes and it was really horrible. I spoke informally to a friend who said he knew a good lawyer and reported what I’d seen. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to get Gary on the phone recently as he seems to have moved on from his last known address in Phnom Peng.”

Cheese insisted that some of the album had been recorded at Scotland Yard studio and that the Police had prior knowledge of his activities.
Sting was unavailable for comment.

An east-coast tour is planned in next few months.

Humphrey’s Weekly Updates

Posted to The Official TISM Website around October-November 1997, during the recording of http://www.tism.wanker.com:

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing

Hello.

I have been asked by the people who put together the TISM web site to at least give the impression that TISM : (a) exist; (b) think about something other than themselves; (c) have something to do with the official TISM web site; and (d) give a shit about those poor TISM fans out there waiting for news.

So here I am.

Yes, with all the reassuranve of Jeff Kennett promising a bright future for Victorians, I am going to promise now that I will talk to you every week.

“Who gives a fuck?” I hear you say.

And well you might. I am nobody. Let’s get that straight.

But at least I can keep you updated on TISM news quicker than the actual members of TISM know about it. Admittedly that’s not saying much, but it might make waiting for TISM to actually do something a bit less like being a character in a Samuel Beckett play.

I’ve got lots of things to talk about, so watch out, brother and sisters. I’m superbad.
…sorry. I became carried away there.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to drive 6 miles on my wheel rims to escape the North Port Augusta Police.

Until next week,

Humphrey.

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing 2

Hello. It’s me again. Remember last week I said I’d talk to you every week ? Well here I am. I a good boy, really.

OK. First up, the answer to your most often asked question (other than “I sent 5 bucks to your mailing list – why haven’t I got anything?”) – “where in fuck’s name are TISM ?”

Yes, we like to take longs rests, as you’ve probably noticed. You wouldn’t want is around all the time anyway. We see ourselves as the “quick root in the toilets at a party that you regret in the morning” of rock. Try saying that 10 times quickly.

Yes, well.

I’m afraid to say that there is actually something going on on the world of TISM, other than supermodels and drug rehabilitation.

We’re recording an album. Shock horror. And it might even come out this year.

And, even more chillingly, this album will be, well, rather good..er, by TISM’s subterranean standards, anyway.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Oh, and there’s that Triple M Football song “Shut Up The Footy’s On The Radio”, which will be in your shops about now I ‘spose. That was a bit of a side project we did during a break in recording the album. Doing a football theme kind of appealed to us – football has been a recurring theme with TISM – and it ain’t to hard to top “If The House is A-Rockin’, Don’t Bother Knocking”, wouldn’t you say ? Anyway, there it is. It’s not really indicative of how the album will sound (which is why it won’t be on the album).

Well, I’m getting tired now, so I might tell you some more about the new TISM album in further installments.

I love you.

Humphrey

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing 3

Hello.

This internet thingamy – call me a pessimist, but is there anybody actually reading this ? Like, could I get away with going oobag yoobah quoobah loobdoob rantafrantablinktickettaplaett – Morrissette ?

Obviously I can.

I get away with lots, being a ‘creative’ person. I can act like a tosser at dinner parties. I can be all unshaven and a bit whiffy. I can give useless opinions on matters of no significance and expect jouralists to wolf them down like the teaching of Socrates.

Well, actually not that last one. I’m in TISM. Journalist won’t swallow that kind of guff from us. Just everyone else.

Anyway, speaking of useless opinions on matters of no significance, wanna know about our new album.

Where’s the end of this page ? I though I’d be there by now…Damn. Alright alright alright – yes, we are making an album. In fact, we’re still making it right now. As we speak.

Yes, it has taken rather a long time, Which is of course, normal for TISM. I can at least tell you, by the way of a chickenshit apology, that it won’t be a mini – album. Quite the opposite, really. Does that make it seem better..? Or am I just treading water in a vat of my own waste products?

Well, whatever the case, this album is taking a long time to make , but it’s getting closer, closer, closer…it’s taking shape, a huge, gangrenous pollop that may need some selective lancing..we’ve written a jolly fuckload of songs, most of which are shit even by our standards.

Of course, anything I say now will seem deeply, tragically ironic when we can all look at the album with hindsight. When normal rock bands talk about their album, it’s always “the best thing we’ve done”, or “this one’s a progression from our last album.” Presumably the Rolling Stones said that about “Emotional Rescue” , or the Village people about their New Romantic album “Renaissance”. Wouldn’t you just love it if rock bans came out and said stiff like :-

“It’s not as good as the last one, but it will still sell a shitload”

or

“This will be the nadir of our career”

or

“We’re so huge that we could fart and people would give it rave reviews”

But don’t look at me. I’m not going to own up. The next album is the best thing we’ve done. No really.

Humphrey

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing 4

Hello.

This week in the makin of our new album – hmmm. that’s a chilling way to start an entry, isn’t it ? “Boredom approaching!!” you are thinking.

Well, I’m not gonna have anything worthwhile to say, so if that’s what you were expecting, what the hell are you doing at this website ?

Anyway, this week we contacted a singer from Lismore called Diana Anaid, who has a song on Triple J Called “I Go Off”. Have you heard it ?

You see, we are currently working on a song also titled “I Go Off”, Our song has a somewhat different lyrical approach to Diana’s – I’ll leave you to spot that if you ever hear the song – nevertheless, as Diana does a lot of yelling and general “going off”-type stuff with her voice, We thought it might be fun to sample her and bung a bit of it on our track.

But, being the politest band in rock, we only thought it proper that we should ask her permission first. Diana hasn’t returned our call, which could be because :- she is consulting her lawyers; she has mistaken us for that uninteresting guy she met at a party last week who obviously thinks he’s got some chance of a date; she has realised that fame means you get phone calls from losers, and therefore thinking of staging a Jeff Buckley – like disappearing act; she hasn’t checked her answer phone lately.

Or myabe she thinks that being associated with TISM is to reminiscent of Jamie Redfern being taken under the “wing” of Liberace. That’s a strong possibility.

I guess we’ll see. Stay tuned for further rivetting developments.

If you know Diana personally, warn her off us before it’s too late.

I love you.

Humphrey.

P.S. If you ever get to hear TISM’s “I Go Off”, I just wanted to say for the record that it wasn’t written about Diana Aniad, so don’t go jumping to conclusions, to naughty gossiper, you.

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing 5

Hello, We’re having a couple of weeks off from writing/recording our new album, So there’s nothing much for me to talk out about.

Why the break? Because our studio wiz, the genius Laurence Maddy, was suffering from over-exposure to TISM. Can you imagine listening to TISM all day for a couple of months? That’s enough to turn genius into someone who thinks the word “casino” is synonymous with class.

It’s not over ’till it’s over, for Laurence Maddy.

And it’s yet to happen for you poor sods out there.

Actually we need a break too. It’s hard coming up with the same old shit, When all of your being wants to just kick back, be lazy, and churn out groudbreaking post-modernist seminal-influence-on-future-generations – type guff.

We’ve had to not take a lot of drugs in order to reach the heightened state of consciousness required to write the same old shit. We’ve had to not record in Nassau, Bahamas. It’s cost the record company a lot of petrol money to transport us all to our new studio home, buried within an unsuspecting suburban shopping strip and currently operating under the working title of “The Reverend Ian Paisley Park”, for the inital recording, (plus the odd 7 Eleven lunch allowance) But that’s what happens when you get a bit of success.

And besides, we’re lazy.

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

Which leads me to my next point – I’m off. Or should I say, “I go off”.

Ooroo

Humphrey

Humphrey B. Flaubert’s Weekly Thing 6

Hello. We’re back doing our album again. How’s it going? Um, OK thanks. But it’s not ready yet. Unfortunately, we decided to write more songs for it. We’re going to have so many songs by the time it’s finished that we’ll have to cook up some scam like Prince’s “Black Album” to get rid of a few. Except in out case it’d be the “Beige” album. Or perhaps the “Orange Brick Veneer With a Caravan on the Nature Strip” album.

Still we hope you’ll get the album by the end of the year or the beginning of next year. “But…that’s months away!!!” you wonder in abject suspicion. True. But let me give you a little music biz retail tip (you’ll have to imagine I know what I’m talking about for a sec.) – even if we finished the album tomorrow, the gap between finishing a recording and it hitting the public is a long one. You have to allow time for the fucker to actually be manufactured. And we don’t want our little gem to be released in the same week as everyone’s end of year greatest hits albums. Because we want to be HUGE. We want to change people’s lives. We want to GO OFF.

Anyway, we’re writing more songs. ‘Cos the other ones are shit.

And that’s not good enough.

We want extreme shit.

Yours forever.

Humphrey